Time-out.

The past days have been filled. They were so full, that they became really heavy. That they, when they were gone, left a numb feeling. As if you'd lay on your arm for too long. Although it's not just your arm, it's your whole body and your whole mind. Everything feels numb due to the weight of the days.

I have to tell you more some other day. And, I know, I still owe you the pictures from our day trip. But today you still have to be patient. Because I will travel. Home, to the family and to the dog. I'm so excited since it's the first time this year and since so many things changed. A house was built, the toddler grew faster than I could look at the pictures and became a girl, a grave was dug. Many things happened, let's see how much I can fit in these ten days I have.

By the way, there might be a confusion in the climate right now. I heard it's basically winter down there. Well, last night we had picnic at the lake.

The past days in pictures.

Starved and enjoyed the first sandwich afterwards.

Visited horses. 

Found an ancient graveyard around the corner.

Discovered colourful spots on a grey day.

Were training again. After the back forced me to have a break, we could continue with our program.

It's surprising how much I honestly miss it when I can't go there.

Picked up my visitor from the airport, talked, went to town, came home and were greeted by the Swede with cold white wine on the balcony. Perfect.

The past weekend really was fantastic. And pretty typical Swedish.

We had a BBQ and a lot of friends over. We had wine and fun and good talks through the whole night. We watched ice hockey and went to the lake. We sat in the sun and went for a swim. Yes, the lake that was covered with ice not too long ago. It was refreshing but really, really nice. We went to the summer cabin and spent the day at the sea. I should maybe show you more pictures of this day later. 

How have your past days been?

Want this.

A wooden pinehole camera!! Look at the results you can get. Isn't this fantastic?

 Made by Ondu.

What happened.

It was quite silent here the past days. And the reason is that they were simply pretty shitty and tiring days. Sometimes I still wonder if this was the right step. Because things just seem to become more and more complicated and chaotic and frustrating. If you thought that Sweden is just a happy bubbly country without any prejudices towards foreigners, then you were wrong. This sucks but it's true. I can tell you. 

Anyway. Here is a short summary.

Seen: The second season of Forbrydelsen.

Heard: Mostly the birds outside.

Read: Helmuth Feilke - Sprache als soziale Gestalt.

Done: Asked for help - but didn't get it.

Ate: Well, for one day I didn't eat anything at all. I tell you, that was a challenge. And I really wonder where other people get the disciplin from to not eat for several days. It But the next BBQ is already in the planning.

Smiled: It's not really dark anymore. Soon this will drive me in crazy insomnia again, but until then I just enjoy this wonderful and never ending light out there.

Wished: For it being Friday quick because then the next visit will come. And really, the week just swished by and tomorrow she will arrive here!

To be continued.

Sunday walk.

The colours are so bright and intense, it almost appears unreal. The air so clear and warm and fresh, your lungs can't get enough from it. Spring awakening. And it does feel as if we just woke up. Standing right next to the huge lake, the small blue waves to our feet and we have to rub our eyes to believe it. The ground is soft and wet and makes wet sounds under our shoes. We walk through mud and snow and green. We are a bit extra loud so that the bears have time to get away from us and we inspect every moss field with our hands. Our feet just carry us away, we don't want to go home. Just a little bit longer. And we have the sun on our side. She just wouldn't go down. Just a little bit longer. We walk and walk. He takes my hand when my legs are too short for the big jumps and I make up paths in the forest for us.

Through the ice.

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There must be some way through. Through the cold water. Your lungs start burning. They crave for fresh air. The pressure is pressing arms and legs and chest tighter and thighter together. The heart is pumping and you feel your pulse in the tips of your fingers.

Air.

Light.

You see it. You just have to get through.

Through the ice.

You push and batter and swim and press.

Your hands against the cool surface. Completely even. And so, so clear.

You see your goal. That is where you want to be. Where you can release the pressure. Where you can breathe again.

You see it. But you can't reach it.

You scratch and kick and hammer. Your lungs are screaming for air now. You just want to open mouth and nose and soak in the life. But you can't, you're trapped.

Your fists against the ice. But it's much stronger. It's been here for so long. And although time started scratching on it, it still has its power. It's still strong enough to keep you trapped.

So this is where I will be, you think. Here, on the other side. Not much more than a reflection. A shadow in the corner of ones eye.

You're hammering with your fists, and the calm of the water is not comforting anymore.

It's scary. You panic.

Your extremities kick and hit and beat without any coordination, now there is no silence around you anymore, but your own heartbeat.

So staggering. So loud. So strong.

And then there is this crack.

Was it the ice or your heart?

Helden des Alltags. // Little heroes.

You already know Roboti liebt and her little heroes that make our daily lives nicer. Actually, I didn't really feel like praising a hero this week. But this hero was not easy to ignore, and so here it comes.

Spring is here. Finally. At least for today. And although I tried to lock it out so that it leaves me alone, it is here and warm and tickles my face. And well, at least it tries to bring some sunshine.

Another little hero (or rather two) are these ones. They were laughing at me, nothing special but definitely quite spring-ish.

What happened.

Seen: Berlin Alexanderplatz. The poor Swede is completely confused about this mini series but the first part he already managed to watch.
Heard: Bad news. Again?, you might be wondering. Yes, again. This year turns out as though as the last one ended. Or maybe that's just how the years are now.
Listened: To The National and a lot of Kante.
Read: Wachstumsschmerz by Sarah Kuttner. I needed some easy reading things.
Done: Made a call I didn't really expect me to do. I haven't heard the voice on the other end for several years and it felt super strange.
Ate: The first grilled things. Once we even made real Rostbrätel.
Smiled: Not too much. But having the sun lightening up the nights is (so far) something nice.
Wished: For nothing big really. I wouldn't know when these wishes came true last time anyway.

Never again.

There is this incident that makes you break with everything you had together. A friendship that is stopped. You shout out all the "Never again" you can come up with, because you're hurt. Because you cannot forget, not speaking of forgive. But you also can't let go. And so all these "Never again" always carry a little scent of "Maybe someday" with them. Because this never again is too bit and abstract to grasp anyway. And so there is this little backdoor that you don't tell anyone about. Or maybe you don't even know about it yourself. It's there. And maybe just as mind game. It exists and it always means a way back. Back to this person. Back to something. Some kind of approach towards each other. Nothing big, probably never as big as before, but maybe little signs and steps.

And suddenly this backdoor is being closed. Forever. This time for real. There is no way back. And the last thing that was between the two of you, and the last thing that will always be between the two of you is silence.

The rhetoric "Never again" became reality.

der tag klingt aus und dunkelheit bricht ein

das haus steht still, wir sind allein

die nacht liegt schwer um uns herum

ein stiller schmerz hält uns noch wach

kein tag, der die wunden zu heilen vermag

uns bleibt ein versprechen uns nicht zu verlieren

im grauen des morgen

im schweren der stunden

die über uns brechen

früh oder später

der mond steht hoch in dieser nacht

zweilicht fällt auf dein gesicht

ich seh dich an und denk daran

wie schön es ist

Kante - Zweilicht

Stable house.

Spending the night in a stable is somehow romantic but when come to think about it, not very comfortable. Straw and hay and flies are the things I can come up with spontaneously. But it can be different, as AR Design Studio show when they turned a completely shabby stable in this wonderful home.

Pictures via Arch Daily. © Martin Gardner